Maintain.
There is so much coming at me right now.
I am trying my best to keep up with whatever I have going, but it just feels like the world keeps getting in the way.
The glass is half full.
The glass is half full.
The glass is half full.
I don’t think I’m going to go out tonight.
I need to catch up on my credits.
I have to complete like 6 for me to be satisfied with myself.
Plus it has to be done this weekend.
No exceptions.
It’s just going to be really stressful.
I can already feel it.
On top of that, there’s so much going on with my mom’s side.
I argued with my mom over something as trivial as a phone call because she was wildly accusing me of something that wasn’t even true.
I wasn’t going to apologize for being right.
It’s not the way I like to let things go.
So she tried to ground me, but I didn’t listen.
And now we don’t even talk.
She makes my brothers and sisters relay whatever she has to say to me.
It stings a little.
I’d hate to have this relationship with my mom again.
I don’t want it to be like this, not again.
It was the story of my sophomore year, and there’s no way I’m ready to have a relapse when I was at the top of my game.
My stepdad can barely get up by himself or even walk anymore.
He has to use a cane or a walker 24/7.
My 73 year old grandmother is healthier than her 41 year old son.
She stays at my mom’s house to help her up.
I wake up in the middle of the night and hear him yell in and groan in agony.
His condition gets worse and worse by the day.
I doubt he’s even going to be able to work ever again.
And it scares me.
I just want him to get better.
And now that I’m fighting with my mom again he doesn’t even wanna look at me.
I wanna cry and ask him if he’s okay.
I want to apologize and tell him how I bad I feel for him.
How I’m sorry for anything I ever put him through.
But somehow I still know that it’s not gonna do shit for him.
I just wanna make them happy, really.
I’m not even cool with the rest of my dad’s side yet.
I only talk to a few.
But there’s no way in hell I could ever be as close to Tita May as I used to be.
Even if I apologize.
Things are so much different.
But all that I can do is try to pick up where I left off and make things right again.
Try.
But I rarely see them anyway.
Ivan is still living at Mama’s house.
And it’d be stupid of me to spend a great amount of my time in that house.
I don’t hang around rapists.
It makes me bitter.
I don’t even see how anyone can even look at him and allow him to live there.
But I know if the Riveras had to choose, it’d be Tita Reen’s happiness over mine.
Still.
I miss Tita Shirley.
I miss Tita Dhol.
I’m seriously thinking about sleeping over their house tonight.
I have a lot of things to do.
And I stay focused there.
And I need to vent to Jazzy.
Real real bad.
Fuck.
And I just remembered that I have to fix the minutes too.
The auditors could be coming in next week, and I’m still not ready.
It’s my responsibility as ASB Secretary to get this shit up and running.
Could my weekend get any busier?
Probably.
I am so tired.
I have to get through all of this.
This weekend.
I miss you.
Typically, I’d be letting you know all of this shit that’s been building up, and I’d feel so much better about my life before I go to sleep.
But I don’t know where it all went.
Come back.
Love,
QT.
